There went the weekend and Monday was here. Attempting to start another diet and telling myself, “I need to log my food”. There I was dealing with the feelings of disappointment and failing once again. I was on another roller coaster ride. Yet, I was not holding my arms up screaming with excitement, they were more like feelings of defeat. I asked myself, “Sandy, Why are you not taking care of yourself?” Your not happy with yourself and do not like how you feel. Those feelings of self-hatred began to taunt me.
Growing up, I believed this is who I was, due to what my step father would say, so this was normal to me. When I looked in the mirror I always saw the “overweight girl”. Yet, I was not overweight but partnered with this belief. I wore it like a necklace around my neck it was part of my accessories. I went through sexual trauma growing up and was bullied by a girl who continually molested me. She would make threats that if I said anything she would beat me up. So I believed that no one would no longer touch me inappropriately if I was overweight.
My father would say, “Your fat and no one likes a fat person”, “Do you know being fat is not attractive”. Eating became a way of soothing and self sabotaging myself. I slowly began to eat away the pain. I did not realize I was an emotional eater. At 17, I left my home and gained about a hundred and fifteen pounds. I was finally able to hide behind the weight. It created this self-hatred within me and can hear the lies of my stepfather. Thank God I was able to lose that that weight. Lately, I noticed some old behaviors coming back. I was positioning myself to stand in line waiting for the roller coaster to arrive.
Have you ever done something where you knew what you had to do? Yet, you don’t do it and go back to what feels comfortable. Knowing full well your supposed to do. It will make you happier, confident and being content with yourself. I myself had to do some soul-searching lately. Wondering, why I have been out of control with eating? What is happening internally that is causing me to respond this way? I definitely do not want to gain all that weight back. Then I hear this scripture, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do”.
Somewhere along the line I became comfortable and complacent again. I lost my focus of the goal and I stop believing that I can do this. Just when you thought this girl was down, the fighter in me doesn’t just quit, quitting is not an option! As I was standing there I saw the roller coaster go right by me. Why? Because I decided to do something simple for myself and not get on the rollercoaster. Today, I have not eaten any candy and I am back to drinking more water. As humans we can complicate things more than we need too. I have to keep things simple so that I don’t become overwhelm and quit on myself. I walk away feeling like a winner and watching the roller coaster go by.
I want to encourage you, that if you are on a roller coaster ride, it’s okay. Let’s do some soul-searching on whatever is oozing in your life or has become a struggle. The biggest part of this race on earth is to keep going and not quit. Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize!
- Are you on the roller coaster and ready to get off?
- What promises have you made to yourself that you have not showed up too?
- Start with something small you want to add to your life, maybe something simple like drinking more water or watching your thoughts, or mediate for 5 minutes on the good things that are happening in your life.
- Once you have accomplished what you have added, focus on one thing you want to change and keep going.
No longer standing in line, waiting to get on the ride!
Sandy Cortes, Carrier’s of Hope
Breathing Hope one Life at a Time!