A death must take place

One of the hardest things to have to face is the death of a loved one. I know it is a part of life, but it is tough to go through. In 2007, my mother died of cancer, and there were so many different emotions that were taking place. I recall being numb and in denial, then came the outpouring feelings of rage and anger. The only way I know how to describe it is when you go on a rollercoaster and like it so much that you decide you want to ride it again and again. That is how I felt with my emotions, yet I had not permitted myself to go on that ride.

I am not one to go and visit the grave where my mother is buried. Every time I have gone, it brings pain that she is no longer here. I feel like she was buried before her time. I begin to reminisce of all our memories together some which are good and others that are not. I can hear her laughter and see her smile. It is a sad and hurtful experience for me. Emotions are raw, and technically her remains are there, but she is not. Even if I were to pull her out of the casket, it would not bring her back to life.

How about those emotional deaths that take place in our lives that we were not prepared for? The death of something that was done. Something that was buried before it’s time. Never taking the time to grieve the loss of whatever that was. Whether it was a betrayal, a relationship that ended or an unexpected loss of a home or a job, or a family member that decided to disown you at a young age. Do we ever really take the time to grieve the loss of those wounds. That pain is so unbearable that we disassociate ourselves from it and act like it never happened.

At the beginning of the year I decided to go back to school to get my Master’s in Counseling. Little did I know that I was playing two roles, the student and the client. You know that feeling of “Surprise,” but there are no balloons or party favors and realize this is not a celebration. Yes, that was my party and I was the only one attending! It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions that have been oozing out of my pores. Things that I had buried before it’s time and never grieved.

Brene Brown says, “One must grieve the loss of what that was for something new to be born.” In my mind, this did not make any sense to me. Until I started pondering on the meaning of this. When things happen in our lives, it creates emotions, thoughts, and behaviors that came from that death that took place in our lives. Somehow we recreate this new identity due from that death that took place.

Remember that part of not liking to visit my mother’s gravesite, well this has been the process for the past 12 weeks. I have had to go to the gravesite of my deaths that have taken place and pull out the casket and look at those things in the face and mourn, cry, and scream. At times it is as if I am revisiting those same deaths. It has been one of the hardest things to face, harder than the emotions of the actual death of my mother. Different waves of emotion that surface without an invitation. I am not sure if I have ever felt so broken and to my recollection, I thought I had buried those things for good.

What I am learning from my schooling, and the wonderful Brene Brown is learning how to visit those deaths in the face and grieve the loss of what occurred and then close the casket. As you are reading this, I am praying that this particular blog touched your heart today. I am not sure where you are in visiting those areas of your life that caused death to take place, but I do want you to let you know that it may be painful at first but at the same it is so liberating. For something to be born something must die in us first!

So I say to you, “Do it afraid!” Face whatever that is, whether it is fear, bitterness, resentment or unforgiveness and mourn the loss of whoever caused it and go back and close that casket for good! I promise you it will feel so liberating and bring freedom and something new will be born out of it!

Sandy Cortes

Carrier’s of Hope,

Breathing Hope One Life at Time!

Trust the Process

I never realized how vital this is to our lives. I recall doing an outreach many years ago where a group of us had to rely on the other person to catch us and had to have our backs turned while doing it.

You never really know what your made of until your put to the test. I recall being so afraid of putting my trust in someone else’s hand and hoping they would catch me.

So many different emotions were screaming in my head, “What if they drop me, what if they can’t hold my weight?”. I was in a major panic and contemplating if I was I going to do this. I already knew I had trust issues and this was only going to bring that out even more in front of my peers.

How many times in our lives have we let ourselves go and put our trust in someone else and was dropped? Trust can be so hard to let go and give, especially if you have been dropped a lot.

My husband was reading something to me the other day where it read, “Forgiveness can be freely given, but trust is earned”. I chewed on that for a little bit and thought, “How true that statement was”. Trust is not something we freely give to others especially if we have been dropped a few times.

I have been burned many times by people that were either in leadership or loved ones and/or people in general. Each time it was hard to come and turn my back and allow someone to catch me.

At times I’ve still contemplated if I was going to allow someone to catch me. Or decided that I was going to put my trust in myself.

This created being self-reliance and independent in myself. Being in my own island. Where their was no room for growth and placed lot of pressure in doing things on my own strength.

That day I continued to tell myself, “Sandy, you can totally do this”. Next thing I knew I closed my eyes, clenched my fist and did it afraid and guess what? They caught me””.

It was one of the most liberating things I had ever done. To just let go and trust the process. That all the fears I had of dropping me or holding my weight were just that fears.

So where are you in this process?

  • Are you willing to turn your back and allow someone to catch you?

  • Or are you going to continue to rely on yourself and see where that gets you?

Carrier’s of Hope

Sandy Cortes

Breathing Hope One Life at Time