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“Caution, don’t get caught in the conflict jungle”

There is so much going on in our world today. People are being hypervigilant are in a state of increased anxiety which can cause so many different emotions due to what is going on with the CoronaVirus. Creating conflict in areas that we did not plan and were unprepared for. People are having to social distancing themselves, not by choice. Organizations and places of business are closing shop for a minimum of two weeks, and are up for reevaluating, which can mean no income coming in for many, kids having to be home, individuals and parents worried about the bills, Which creates isolation, stress, fear, anxiety, and scarcity, the way we respond to what is going on in the world around us is crucial.

I am working on a study with my middle schooler, yet before this whole thing with the Coronavirus, it had been one of the hardest challenges to set time aside. Other things were taking up our time, which seemed to take precedent or more critical. But luckily, since we have a lot more time in our hands, it has allowed some deep conversations to take place. As we came upon one of the chapters, it discussed conflict. It was a great eye-opener to realize that we all handle conflict very differently. Some handle conflict by being explosive, shutting down, feeling annoyed, and having feelings of being attacked. We are discovering conflict is not the underlying issue but revealing what is underneath.

This whole child-rearing a middle schooler has definitely been a challenge as a mother for me. Growing up, I did not have a good relationship with my mother. Yet that has been one of my greatest desires is to establish that with my daughter. In my upbringing, conflict was handled by screaming or being physical or given the silent treatment. I did not know how to handle conflict or adequately taught. A lot of self-reflection within my upbringing, parenting skills, and how I currently managed conflict. I would not say I was like my parents but handle conflict in other ways by shutting down or even having that fourth of July experience that takes place once a year, in losing control and yelling, not proud of those moments. Especially in a heated situation, you honestly can tell what is underneath by what a person is saying, and then once you have spoken, you can not take back what was said. 

It was beautiful to see my daughter, and I discover what conflict is genuinely about and that despite the attitudes or the silent treatment, it was not what I saw through my own eyes but finding what is underneath all of that is taking place. I walked away with a valuable lesson that I am sharing with you today. It caused me to seek more in-depth and approaching things humbly once I discovered what was underneath it. We even created keywords when we sensed conflict coming knowing when to take a step back and reflect. 

So our keyword is “chili pepper.” I wish I can take credit, but my daughter came up with that one. As I reflected on a chili pepper, chili peppers are hot; we agreed that when we would use the word, it could not be directly said as chili pepper, hello chili peppers! That would create more spicyness in our environment, but use it against our surroundings. For example, did you notice that there’s a lot of chili peppers growing on the tree outside? Or look at how big those chili pepper are, silly, I know, but having this in place allows us to see if we can help defuse the situation and then identify what is truly going on that is causing the conflict.  

Conflicts can seem more straightforward than we think or complicated and, at times, hits you out of nowhere one moment you are okay, and the next thing you are in a heated argument asking yourself what just happened. We came to an understanding that conflict doesn’t create the problem; they reveal the problem and expose what is in our hearts. A lot of times, we want our way or are annoyed, and you have to ask yourself what it is that you are craving at this moment while this conflict is going on that you are not getting.

How many times in our lives do we feel like we were are not getting our way, want to be left alone, or feel like we are not understood, or we want to be in control? Or feeling unappreciated, or perhaps you wish to get even or inflict pain or win the argument. It is a question hearing the noise that is happening and seeking what is going on underneath the sound?  

So I want to leave you with these few tips:

  • Reflect on if your conflict is more profound than what you are hearing? 
  • Work quickly to resolve your inner conflicts. 
  • Choose to walk into them humbly.
  • Come up with a keyword when things begin to become spicy.
  • Do not allow fear to paralyze what you are facing, but stand in faith that this too shall pass. 
  • You decide how you want trespond to the noise that is happening.

Carrier’s of Hope,

Sandy Cortes 

Breathing Hope One Life at a Time

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Invisible vs Visible

Have you learned to live with your mask? Or maybe you wear many different masks? Because your hustling for worthiness and continue to numb yourselves so that you do not feel or show your vulnerability to others. By holding a mask at all costs, because what if they would discover the real you? 

Who is the real you? Have you been hurt due to someone shaming, putting you down, or downright did something to you? It is so exhausting to live an unauthentic life and hide behind a mask. I had many masks and a tendency to put on at times, even now, as your reading this blog. Why? Because then people would read or see my pain, and then I would have to hear the criticism of showing my vulnerability to others. People can be downright mean in this world. I understand how hard it is to be vulnerable. Society teaches you not to show vulnerability as it is a sign of weakness.

I was raised by a father never to show any feelings in front of others. Anything outside of that was considered a weakness. So, do you understand now why I had to wear a mask? There was enough criticism to paralyze me for life and continue on this path of always wearing a mask. Eventually, I had to look at myself in the mirror and ask myself, “Why are you hiding behind this mask? I knew it was a matter of time where it would call for me to put down my mask. There was an enormous amount of fear within me. Risk of people not liking me if I shared my vulnerability or them having thoughts of being messed up. I had to do some soul searching and figure out why I was so afraid of people seeing the real me. Of always remaining invisible, yet I was visible in front of others. I even had these twisted thoughts of somehow my father finding out and hearing his disapproval voice.   

I had to learn to lay that all down and be free to be me. One of the things I recall God telling me one day was, “Whatever you do, remain true to who you are and keep things real.” Being authentic to yourself and in front of others. That is hard to do in this day in age where there is this plague of comparison, not enough or vulnerability is such a bad thing you can see it in magazines, reality shows, and even social media.  

A mask is usually worn on the face as protection and to disguise yourself, so no one sees the real you. 

Life Application

  • Do you love the mask you put on every day?
  • Why do you wear your mask? 
  • Do you not want to be visible in this world? 
  • Or do you feel like your going through this world as invisible? 

Therefore, you put on your mask? Those are some big questions right, but a great way to cause some self-reflection on why you are wearing that mask. No more pretending and being invisible, choose to be visible to the world, and allow them to see how beautiful you are.

Carrier’s of Hope,

Sandy Cortes 

Breathing Hope One Life at a Time!